Flambé - Guide I
by A Dwimor
Summary: Dolores Umbridge recieves an unexpected visit from a mysterious young man. And he takes umbrage with Umbridge. Crack.


Dolores Umbridge looked around her Hogwarts office, smirking primly in satisfaction. She reached to the front of her desk and straightened her already straight job title plate. Dolores Umbridge - Hogwarts Headmistress. Yes. She loved the sound of that, she thought, as she took a cloth and wiped down her spotless desktop.

She folded her cloth, and put it away. A slight breeze ruffled her hair as she picked up her tea and she turned to look, noting the window was closed. As she turned back around, she found that all was not right with the world.

"By all the gods...!" Came a man's whisper. Standing directly in front of her desk was a tall raven haired man, young and a bit skinny, with high cheeckbones and blue eyes.

Dolores Umbridge screamed and dropped her teacup, which shattered as it hit the floor. Eyes locked on the man, she screeched: " What do you want?! Who are you? I demand to know why you have snuck into my office! How did you get in here? I locked the door and set wards!"

The man ignored her, instead staring at the wall behind her in horror at the myriads of cats framed and plated to the pink wall. His ripped himself away and his eyes swept the room, taking in the sterile surfaces, and the lace and doilies and pink. He shuddered.

"I didn't sense any wards." He said, his voice a pleasant tenor. His eyes turned to Umbridge.

"WHO _are_ YOU? I demand to know your name! Are you enrolled here? I warn you, there will be repurcussions for sneaking into my office!" Umbridge stood, and she seemed to expand with indignation.

The man blinked. "You can call me Rys. Tell me, where is Dumbledore? For I much desire to speak with him."

Dolores stood on her tiptoes. Rys looked down at her, mouth quirking.

"EX \- Headmaster _Dumbledore_ is not _here._ He was deemed no longer competent. _I_ am the new headmistress."

I can see that from the plaque you keep straightening pointedly." Rys said dryly.

"What do you need? Out with it!"

"I'm just an old warlock looking for work." The man replied, calmly. "I was hoping for a temporary teaching position. I find I have a lot of spare time at the moment."

Umbridge looked the young man up and down, her eyebrows raised, and Rys was suddenly aware of the fact that his dark blue vest was buttoned incorrectly, and he'd forgotten to brush his hair when he woke up. He tugged on his red neckerchief irritably. The woman in front of him was starting to get on his nerves. So what if he looked a bit rumpled? Dammit, at his age he deserved to be able to look however he wanted with no censure!

"And _what_ would you be teaching?" She queried, smiling sweetly.

"I specialise in magical history, my strongpoint being Arthurian times. But I think I will wait until Dumbledore gets back!"

" _Dumbledore_ will not be coming back."

"Oh, I think he will. Actually, I know he will." Rys smirked confidently. "I just arrived too early."

Umbridge frowned, stepping onto her chair. Rys smiled as he looked down at her. "You know, Umbridge, I've heard alot about you."

Her attitude abruptly changed. "Oh? And what have you heard?" She preened in front of the man.

Rys raised an eyebrow. "I've heard that you are an arrogant, simpering, sycophantic, insufferable, two faced, lying, conniving, xenophobic bitch." He smiled.

Umbridge leapt onto her desk, fuming. "How DARE you come to this school and insult me!"

He looked down at her, grinning. "The top of your head still only comes up to the bridge of my nose, would you like me to get you a box to stand on?"

Umbridge ripped out her wand and screamed "Avadakedavra!"

The young man smiled and dodged calmly to the side, looking at the smoking wall behind him. "Oooooo that's a banned one, isn't it?"

Her eyes were wild as she screamed in a prim fashion and shot out another killing curse, and once again the man dodged, to the other side.

"You know, I think people like you should be rounded up and tagged." Rys said, looking at her meditatively.

"Why you impertinent...!" Umbridge shot out the spell once more, and it struck the man full in the chest.

It had no effect. Her eyes widened in fear.

He glanced down at his now smoking neckerchief, then looked at her reprovingly. "I take umbrage at this, Umbridge." Rys' eyes burned gold, and Umbridge stiffened as she found herself unable to move or speak.

"That's better. I believe our business is concluded." Rys smiled. His eyes flashed once more, "Farewell!" He bellowed grandly, then swirled his dark blue cloak dramatically as he turned and went out the door. As soon as it shut, Umbridge found she could move again.

Umbridge rushed to the door, ripping it open and flinging herself through it, heedless of her state of disarray. She flung her head left and right, looking for the man amongst the snickering students. "WHERE is _he?_ The gangly boy! Where IS HE!?" She hissed. "He broke into my office! He _insulted_ _me_!"

Only laughter greeted her as the annoying boy with the camera slid up to her, took a picture, and ran away, squealing. She glared at him as he fled, then stood straight and smoothed her pink suit. "As you were!"

The crowd of students dispersed, revealing Professor McGonagall She was currently smirking. "Did Rys visit you? He comes 'round now and again. He and Dumbledore like to have a nice chat over a cup of tea. Mischievious old bugger."

"Minerva." Umbridge greeted her, primly.

"Dolores." Professer McGonagall replied, with a sniff.

Umbridge frowned, then moved to return to her office.

"By the way..." McGonagall began.

Umbridge's hand paused on the handle of her door and she turned to look at the woman she despised.

"I like the new body art, dear. It suits you." The professor's eyes flicked to Dolores' forehead for a moment. Confusion lit Umbridge's face.

McGonagall grinned and swept majestically down the hallway.

Umbridge scowled and rushed into her office, sitting down in her chair.

She picked up the pink mirror on her desk and looked into it.

And screamed.

Etched neatly into Umbridge's forehead were the were the words: 'I must not be a xenophobic bitch."

...

 **Sorry if I got anything wrong, Harry Potter isn't my main fandom. This is hopefully going to be the beginning of a series of oneshots. The title will make sense later.**


End file.
